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Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
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read the subject--and the answer is yes. i need another break. i talked with bender today and we decided to do the prose part of my independent study first, since i had a breakthrough and i have a story that will seriously knock the socks off any critic (well, hopefully, after i write it :-P). my laptop is being taken away on friday or monday, forever, so there will only be one computer in my house (yes, bastards, laugh at me because i AM upset about it). i'm not upset because *oh no, i can't be online 24-7 now*. I'm upset because i type my heart out in MY room on MY laptop. it's not my laptop anymore, and once i have no place to put my thoughts, this won't be MY room anymore. it makes no sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me.
although our class rank is fixed now, and i'll soon find out the dreadedness of mine, i can't change that now, so i'm going to begin to focus on something that's not school related. independent study it is--okay, so who cares if it's still school related--not the way i see it. this is going to expand my creativity, expand my mind, expand my desires and longings to be the perfect writer that i hope to be, and expand my interaction with someone that i care about--mr. bender. not in *that* way, duuuuh... but his opinion means more to me as a writer than anyone. he has helped me understand that writing is one of my biggest passions. without him, i wouldn't know what the word poetry meant. so who cares if you don't like bender? i do, and that's that.
so i'm leaving, because i find no comfort in reading the lj's of people who could care less about me (that wasn't to all of you--i know that many of you do care, heather for instance has always cared when i've decided to take a break) but i really need to do this. sure it's the last semester that i'll ever see you people, probably of my life... but if you're all true friends and if i'm your true friend, we'll stay close no matter what. you know i can't stay away for long, but i need a break for a while... i need to realize what happiness is. i need to see the sun and the snow and smile. i need to remember that it's not the crap that matters, but the love. i need to remember how to treat my friends, those who have helped me through the past three months, and ignore those who aren't, the ones who i've been trying to impress for the past three months. i need to thank those who have been there for me for so long (heather, nick d, micah, shane, liz, all of you who we've hung out recently and died laughing over stupid things--that's what i love). thank you to YOU guys... for you are the ones that i never try to impress, because i forget that if someone loves you, it doesn't mean that they will always love you.
but i love you guys. we'll keep in touch and you *kno* i'll be back writing in my lj soon enough. but anyway, i thought i'd ditch this for a while to find myself (ha, ha, ha). I love you all, always and forever. Thank you, to those of you who are real. Thank you, to those of you who have helped me find myself. Thank you, to those of you who are true friends. Thank you to those of you who care about me and have helped me through so much crap. Thank you, mostly, to Sean. Out of anyone I've ever known (Sean as my boyfriend, aside), he is the greatest friend I've ever and will ever have. Some of you may never see it, for your jealousy blinds you, and you blame my leaving your friendship on him. it wasn't his fault, and if you're not going to blame it on yourself, then blame it on me. I love him with all of my heart and he IS my best friend before he is my boyfriend. I've lost so much, but I've gained even more. I've gained friends that will last me a lifetime and beyond, I've gained trust of those friends, I've gained maturity through simple people like Heath, and I've gained love--a love from all of these people that cannot be told, only taught. I love you guys. Always. Thank you for everything, and talk to me online if i'm ever on since I wont be writing in here! :-P
Smile lots :-D. Wish me luck with this novel! ;). Love you all always! ~theoneandonly... rach :-P ~
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| Time: | 7:14 pm. |
| Mood: |  blah. |
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just three more days of hell... i dont think i can last that long :(, not after what everyone's been saying today.
but getting out of hell, i find it incredibly humorous when someone thinks your mad at them so they have someone else ask you for them--and they pick someone who hasn't talked to you online in a while and they just come out and ask the question out of almost no where--it is almost hilarious. i told the truth, so that the truth would be known--cause I'm not mad at you, but it was sort of funny, admit it :-P.
but it's all still tearing me apart... *blah* :-/
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Tuesday, February 4th, 2003
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| Time: | 9:49 pm. |
| Mood: |  indescribable. | | Music: | heather on the hill :-(. |
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I think I've turned into a monster :( or as shane's character might say, "yea, we still have witches, but we pronounce it differently..."
ugh. yea. i can't say anything else. even if i did have anything else to say, my opinion wouldn't matter much to neone but sean (and heather, most likely). that does bother me at times... okay, all the time. argh. i love being used by friends *sarcasm*. such is life.
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| Time: | 7:58 pm. |
| Mood: |  determined. |
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Independent study... my my my... who thinks I can write 30 poems in 10 weeks?! *I DO I DO* (and so do you). But who thinks I can write a 50 pg novella in 10 weeks?! *cricketcricket* *deadsilence* *noonescreams* exactly... lol. Wish me luck :-P. Oh, and if I get any hell from anyone because *gosh forbid I even CONSIDER this independent study because, oh I'm sucking up *BS*, and I'll get a better SUPA grade (bs) because of it all!* then I will tear them apart for every little thing that they've done that's hurt me lately. And THAT'S how I feel about THAT. Talk about me now, I dare you. Because I know who my real friends are now, and now that it's only 5 months (oh wait, 4 months and 3 weeks) until graduation, you think I'm going to give a rat's butt what YOU think after the way you've treated me for four years? Yea, so buzz off.
Sorry, but some friends are getting to me, and I really had to put that. Wow I feel better. Wish me luck with this novella guys... because I'm going to work my butt and get exactly 50 pages and then I'll get it published as a 150 pg novel and I'll be famous!! (keep on dreaming rachel girl... just keep on dreaming). Well, that's a wrap! Looks like I'm done being determined about my life for tonight :-D. Off to more important things like people who care... oh Seeeaaan!! O:-) :-P...
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Sunday, February 2nd, 2003
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| Time: | 7:57 am. |
| Mood: |  excited. |
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Holy crap... that SU game last night--HOT DAMN!!! hahaha... that was incredibly AMAZING!!! hahaha... for once, I'm proud of SU! :-P. teehee :-D
annnnd I'm still excited... and in love O:-). I love you sean! :-D
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Saturday, February 1st, 2003
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| Time: | 9:30 pm. |
| Mood: | teehee! O:-). |
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haha--sorry about that, but I'm really happy--and you would be too if you had been in my shoes for the past three months. finally, a school I love loves me back :-P. Of course, it still "depends on the rest of the year" to them and to the rents? "MONEY!!! We have to see about scholarships before you can even THINK about going to Ithaca!!!" (cause right now, my rents basically told me that there's no way in hell that they can afford it *blah*. So we'll have to wait and see. Sorry if I bragged too much or was way too escatic, but hey, this is my future--and this is me, being happy for once.
I love you Sean... :-D. Thank you for all of the continued support, as always. *muah!*
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| Time: | 9:27 pm. |
| Mood: | ecstatic. |
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WHOOOOO GOT ACCEPTED INTO ITHACA COLLEGE?!?! :-D
*ps: I have a right to brag after all the crap I was dealt in the past three months with colleges!* :)
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Wednesday, January 29th, 2003
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| Time: | 11:59 pm. |
| Mood: | better lol... i'm so random!. |
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before the night ended, and before I go off to bed, I have to get rid of this dream that's still lingering in my head (wow, no rhyme intended) and maybe this will make me feel a little better (to write, that is, about something that I care about--my dreams...):
so, I was getting married. The church was beautiful (and my mom is convinced that it is a Southern church :-P). It had a long, "F" shaped driveway (more like an "L" upside down though) which was paved and led up to a huge barn-style opening (where doors would be, but there were none). Inside of this huge church (picture St. Joe's, and multiply it by three maybe--minus the four divisions of it, though) were thousands of people (okay, maybe hundreds, but still...). The church had hundreds of bouqets of beautiful flowers that were just amazing--lined up inside and outside the church. (Picture the perfect indoor big wedding, and that's what this was, seriously though, it was going to be amazing). I was sitting in another room with a beautiful wedding gown on and this amazing engagement ring that I was playing with in my hands. It was then (for I had been thinking for a while) that I realized that I didn't love this man that I was going to be marrying. I told all of my bride's maids (there were like 10 of them!!!) to tell him for me, because I knew he'd be angry with me. Not upset, angry (so abnormal!). At that point in time, I left and placed the wedding gown upon the bed that was in that room (and I think I actually kept the ring?!). I went and called Sean (from who knows where) and told him all about what I'd just realized. I also told him that he was my true love, and I now realize that. He, unfortunately, became angry with me as well, and as I was telling him how much I truly loved him and how much I knew I hurt everyone at this amazing wedding... I woke up! :-/.
Interesting. Hey Liz, what do those dream books say about marriage in dreams?! Probably the opposite of what it seems :-P. O well. But hey, I was right! This did make me feel better to write about something that I care about :-D teehee!
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Tuesday, January 28th, 2003
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i've forgotten about how real my past is. i dropped it all like before and almost nothing could remind me of it. until today. until one small word from one mouth sent me diving back into almost every memory, good and bad, that i spent so long trying to forget.
in the end, we never forget forever... we just bury those thoughts so deep in the ground that they become a part of us forever. they aren't usually forgotten or usually remembered. but they will always be there haunting us like the rusty picture frame that lies underneath every treasured item in our closets...
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Thursday, January 23rd, 2003
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| Time: | 8:24 am. |
| Mood: |  weird. |
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... and isn't it ironic, don't you think? A little too ironic, well yea I really do think...
so what's so ironic? the fact that I missed 2 days this week cause of some stupid illness (like the rest of the school... "i bet that if this flu thing was really the ebola virus then rubies would cancel school!" ~shane lol) and I spent yesterday talking to amanda and micah--to micah about stuff that really needed to be talked about, so that was really nice. SO ANYWAY--after all that, i did my hw, i cleaned my room last night at 10 when the stupid obsession for perfection just happened to kick in, i read some books, i coughed a lot, and i felt better--so i was ready for school...
...THEN RUBIES DOES THIS!!!... now i have only ONE day for make up work! :-O
what a day to pick for a snow day... fortunately, it's beautiful up at my house, so i'm going to just go and watch the snow (usually, that wouldn't happen b/c usually snow is wicked depressing to me--but hey, it's SUNNY, so it's beautiful!).
okay, so it's ironic that i've wanted a snow day for like three months and i got it on the ONLY day that i wanted to go to school, but hey--beggers can't be chosers now can they?! you win some, you lose some :-P happy snow day all!
...an old man turns 98, he wins the lottery, and died the next day. it's a black fly in your chardinee. it's a death row pardoned, two minutes two late. and isn't it ironic? ... mr. play-it-safe was afaid to fly. he packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye. he waited his whole damn life just to take that flight, and as the plane crashed down he thought, "well isn't this nice!" and isn't it ironic? don't you think? it's like rain on your wedding day. a free ride when you've already paid. it's some good advice that you just didn't take, and who would have thought, it figures?!. traffic jam when you're already late. a no smoking sign on your cigarette break. it's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. it's meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife. *hmph*. and isn't it ironic? don't you think? a little too ironic...
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Saturday, January 18th, 2003
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| Time: | 10:44 pm. |
| Mood: |  loved. |
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i kno sean would get upset with me for updating when im sick and should b sleeping, but i wanted to let him kno that i love him with all of my heart, strength, mind, and soul--and for all of you non-believers... yes, i DO LOVE him... *teehee*. o, and i love heather too, maybe not like THAT lol, but she's amazing... and i know i've said it a million times, but she's one person that has failed to ruin that reputation with me (and i dont think she ever could :-D).
so my night was amazing, surrounded by true friends whom i love. i love you guys always :-D. *muah!* sean, i'll always love you :).
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| Time: | 6:59 am. |
| Mood: | blah. |
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all-county... what more should i say?!
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Friday, January 17th, 2003
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| Time: | 6:06 am. |
| Mood: | bored. |
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all-county... and there was much rejoicing *woo-hoo*. as tracy said, is everyone ready to be bored? haha... such a waste of a weekend and a ski nite!! gr :-P o well, i sort of have to go, or my parents would shoot me lol. o well. bye! :)
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Monday, January 13th, 2003
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| Time: | 9:44 pm. |
| Mood: |  tired. |
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All true genius takes on some form of madness. The only way to conquer this insanity is to grasp tightly onto reality. Unfortunately, not a one upon this Earth can accurately define reality. So how can one be a genius without going mad while understanding the life that we live?
It is an impossibility.
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Wednesday, January 8th, 2003
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Sunday, January 5th, 2003
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| Time: | 7:48 am. |
| Mood: |  scared. |
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I had a LOT of horrible dreams last night, including one about Timmy :-/:
1.) Tracy from Eckerd called me (well, that was a good dream lol--but it's not going to happen in real life so it's bad :-P).
2.) I was shooting a movie or something and I had to kiss Matt Luke. Later, a bunch of people went to church, one of which was Aar. Him and I went in together and he asked me about the movie and I said it was good and how I had to kiss Matt. And he said something like, "Well, did you tell Sean about this? We don't want him getting mad at you for all the stuff in the past six years, do we?" (course, that was the weird part--6 years? uhh... what? lol. and there is nothing going on, just to make sure none of you try to *interpret* my dreams lol). So that dream was just weird and bad cause it was lol.
3.) this was the worst one... Jess er someone was having a party. Jess and Nikki were there and there were more people, but I can only specifically remember those two. I was talking to Nikki about how I thought someone at this party had a gun so I was being cautious and sort of hiding behind the couch. She laughed at me for being paraniod. Then, the lights turned off. I had this really bad feeling so I went and hid underneath the desk. Across from me was a table and a couch where people were sitting. All of a sudden, Timmy came downstairs with gun and started shooting people. I could hear Jess screaming and a few other people (yea, that was probably the freakiest part of the whole dream). And I couldn't stop thinking about Nikki because they all might be dead while I was hiding under the desk--safe just because I'm paranoid.
Basically, I then woke up and couldn't stop thinking about that dream. It felt SO real and I was SO freaked out... even now, when I was writing about it, it took me a while because it just freaks me out because I can remember how I felt in the dream. Now that that's off my chest, I think I'll get dressed.
yea, so hopefully my day goes better than my night last night w/those dreams :(
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Saturday, January 4th, 2003
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| Time: | 11:12 pm. |
| Mood: |  good. |
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Lord of the Rings was good (naturally) though the first was better. Too violent for me :-/. It wasn't bloody, just too violent. Like, you never knew what to focus on. But the different plot lines helped move the movie along. It was a good night with him, despite, "Sean, what time is it?" "6:30... that's why the movie's STARTING" "oh"....... "Sean, what time is it?" "7:00... you just asked me." "oh"........ "Sean, what time is it?" "be quiet"........ "sean?" "8:00!!! an hour and a half left okay?"......... "se--" "--do you want to LEAVE?! are you THAT bored? it's 9:00!!!" :-P teehee. he wasn't as mad as it sorta sounded like when i wrote that. well, a few times. but he laughed at me later lol. that movie just DRAGGED on. *that was the bad part :-/
so it was a nice night cause I bought a hat finally :-P and rochester and ithaca and all that crap is almost done :). but i sorta felt left out... after all this work and understanding? and... *eep* there it goes, spirling down the toilet :(
but i'm happy for now... cause i love sean. :) but i can't stop thinking about that stupid book. "what a lark!" *gr* i dont CARE! lol :-P nite!
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| Time: | 11:12 pm. |
| Mood: | good. |
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Lord of the Rings was good (naturally) though the first was better. Too violent for me :-/. It wasn't bloody, just too violent. Like, you never knew what to focus on. But the different plot lines helped move the movie along. It was a good night with him, despite, "Sean, what time is it?" "6:30... that's why the movie's STARTING" "oh"....... "Sean, what time is it?" "7:00... you just asked me." "oh"........ "Sean, what time is it?" "be quiet"........ "sean?" "8:00!!! an hour and a half left okay?"......... "se--" "--do you want to LEAVE?! are you THAT bored? it's 9:00!!!" :-P teehee. he wasn't as mad as it sorta sounded like when i wrote that. well, a few times. but he laughed at me later lol. that movie just DRAGGED on. *that was the bad part :-/
so it was a nice night cause I bought a hat finally :-P and rochester and ithaca and all that crap is almost done :). but i sorta felt left out... after all this work and understanding? and... *eep* there it goes, spirling down the toilet :(
but i'm happy for now... cause i love sean. :) but i can't stop thinking about that stupid book. "what a lark!" *gr* i dont CARE! lol :-P nite!
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Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
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| Time: | 12:11 pm. |
| Mood: |  giddy. |
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11 days, 12 hours, and 13 minutes online... wow, i DEF. broke my old record of like 5 days :-P.
*teehee* but i have to shut this puppy down now cause it's starting to crap out on me *gr* but hey--beat that!! :-P
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| Time: | 1:08 am. |
| Mood: | exhausted. |
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Dampened Flames
intimidated by the
complex designs on a sock
and the intricate patters
found within an eagle's egg.
thinking about the two simple lines:
'fear no more the heat 'o the sun',
only one of which I can remember.
wishing and dreaming of a
'what a lark!'
and of happiness.
but happiness is a rare
white flower that grows in
my backyard only in the
spring time when the prettier
(but horribly smelling) flowers
appear and bloom.
happiness is cutting lilacs off
of our lilac tree and smiling.
happiness is life.
but the intricacy of a smile
sock and an insignificant eagle's egg
pushes me off the ledge of
insecurity and torture and
misfortune and stupidity
into a world of
'fear no more the heat 'o the sun'.
but how do you know love
when you do not know yourself
or your lover and you fear
to face or embrace the concept
of pure and utter distinction
of the flame of love?
what then, can this
intimacy be considered
if it may not be
what we can see it to be
since we cannot understand
or comprehend
ourselves?
that is quite why
I am overly intimidated
by a simple eagle's egg.
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iris917's journal
happy.
depressed.